His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
