Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
