Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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