he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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