On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My hand turned me down
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
