Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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