Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
