I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just cut my nipple shaving
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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