9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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