Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
