I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
