ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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