you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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