no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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