I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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