I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
