I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
