Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
