My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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