I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Everyone says I win the strip club
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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