Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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