my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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