I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
