rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
