i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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