Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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