Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
