i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
