I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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