my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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