If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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