I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
