tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
