that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
