Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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