she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
