4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
