you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
