Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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