I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
