He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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