I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize