I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
And then he peed in my hair
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