Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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