if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
