dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
