This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
