The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
