who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
