put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
