did you get engaged???
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
