At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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