I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize