What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
