I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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