ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
