am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
