You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
