I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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