you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
nutella sex= disaster
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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