Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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