Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
