i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
