I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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