Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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